ViniWine.com

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a guy to unwind, maybe sit out on the screened-in porch and to quaff the kind of lush, fruit-driven potation to which a wine.woot account entitles him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the indulgence. Of course, it shouldn’t really be any of mankind’s business what a guy enjoys in the privacy of his screened-in porch, but you have to pick your battles.

We hold these truths to be self-evident. First, that anybody trying to balance the demands of being a politician, author, gentleman farmer, university founder and stone cold playa is entitled to a little “me time” once in a while, particularly during the July 4th weekend. Second, that not all wines are created equal, that they are not all endowed by their creators with the qualities that make wine worth drinking, that among these are vibrant berry aromatics, bright berry flavors on the palate, and a rich, seamless texture.

Boy, this one is endowed in a big way, though. And why wouldn’t it be? It’s made grape-to-bottle by the Corley brothers, who oversee the process from start to finish with unrelenting scrutiny and firm discipline. That kind of authoritarianism usually rubs me the wrong way, true, but in this case the proof is in the hasty pudding, so to speak. It even impressed my boy Lafayette—and I love the guy, but he can be kind of a wine snob.

I, therefore, as just one representative of guys on their screened-in porches everywhere, do, in their name, but by no particular authority, solemnly publish and declare, that this Monticello Presidential Red is tops. It’s perfect for enjoying before, during, or after—but not instead of—a meal. (Wine’s relatively modest caloric content is no substitute for a balanced diet, after all.) And for the support of this Declaration, which I tried to keep short, but which no one is very likely to read all the way through to the end anyway, I pledge to you my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. Some restrictions apply.

Sincerely,
“Two-Dollar” T.J. “The Monticello Fellow”
Class of ‘76
Have a cool summer, good luck with the girls, ha ha

Rules and restrictions:

• Wine sold by winery (or a retailer in your state where necessary)
• You must be 21 or older to order
• Whoever receives the package must be 21 or older
• If you're drunk when the package shows up, you will not be allowed to receive it
• Wine cannot be delivered to a P.O. Box
• We highly recommend you use a business address as your shipping address

Thanks to stick-in-the-mud buzzkilling state legislators, wine may only be delivered to the following states:

• Arizona (expect tediously long delivery times)
• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• District Of Columbia
• Florida
• Idaho
• Illinois
• Indiana (expect tediously long delivery times)
• Iowa
• Louisiana
• Massachusetts (expect tediously long delivery times)
• Michigan
• Minnesota
• Missouri
• Nebraska
• Nevada
• New Hampshire
• New Jersey (expect tediously long delivery times)
• New Mexico
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Ohio
• Oregon
• South Carolina
• Texas
• Vermont
• Virginia
• Washington
• West Virginia
• Wisconsin
• Wyoming

If your state's not on the list, you're out of luck... for now. Keep up with the ever-changing laws over at ShipCompliantBlog.com, and/or sound the alarms with your state assembly person through FreeTheGrapes.org. Meanwhile, all Federal, state and local laws are complied with in providing this wine.